You can’t wrap your mind around your situation. You’re
wondering how you got to this point, why it’s happening, and why it’s happening
to you. Your stomach is in knots. All
the plans you had made in your heart and mind have been blown into oblivion.
Your body is aching from sleepless nights. Eyes burning from the weeping you
did the day(s) before. No makeup, hair unfixed… because… what’s the point? You
can feel your heart literally breaking.
You feel used. You feel hopeless. You are broken.
Before two weekends ago, I couldn’t relate to the above. I
have had my fair share of hurt in this world, but nothing compared to this
feeling of utter brokenness and hopelessness. I found myself crying myself to
sleep, or having to leave my desk at work because the tears would just start up
with no trigger. I had no motivation to do anything but sit at home and think
about the hurt. I was to the point where I had no idea what I was going to do. In those moments that were days long, I felt like I had no hope.
One night I found myself on the floor of my bedroom, sobbing
into a pillow. I felt so alone. After a while, my sobbing turned into crying
out loud to God. I just started pouring my heart out to Him and was very, very
honest. I told Him how angry I was at Him for “letting me down.” I told Him how
I felt, and how much I hurt, and how angry I was at the one who betrayed me. I
begged Him for relief. I had been in so much pain, puffy eyed and drained… I
just wanted to feel some consolation. I just wanted to know that I wasn’t
alone. Then, I admitted that I really just wanted Him.
In that moment of rawness with the Lord and honesty, my
heart was smote with Psalm 51. I grabbed my Bible, sat on the couch, and began
to read out loud the passage:
“ Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the
multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions… Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and
cleanse me from my sin… For I
acknowledge my transgressions: *and my sin is ever before me*…. Against thee, THEE ONLY, have I sinned…
Behold, thou desirest truth in the *inward parts*: and in the hidden part
thou shalt make me to know wisdom… Purge
me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash
me, and I shall be whiter than snow… Make me to hear joy and gladness; that
the bones which THOU hast broken may rejoice… Hide thy face from my sins, and
blot out all mine iniquities…. *Create
in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.* … Cast me
not away from thy presence; and take not
thy holy spirit from me…Restore
unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit…Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness…
O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise…”
I was being honest with the Lord, and for me to be truly
honest with Him, I had to acknowledge what had brought me to this place… my own
sin. My own selfishness. My own heart had been broken and marred by my giving
into my flesh. A slow falling away. If I had resisted temptation and fought my
desires, my heart would have never been placed in this position to feel this
way. But, this did not change the fact that I was still broken. But at the end
of this chapter, was the beginning of healing for my hurting soul….
“For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it:
thou delightest not in burnt
offering… The sacrifices of God are
a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”
When I read that verse out loud, it hit me like a ton of
bricks. I had been so lost, not knowing how to handle or what to do with all
the broken pieces my heart was in. I asked God what I was going to do, and He
gave me the clearest answer—give it to
Him. I could either wallow in self-pity and stay brokenness, or offer up my
brokenness as sacrifice to Him. I had to sacrifice self—giving up my plans, who
I thought was my future and everything—over to the One who was in control of my
future and whose ways are perfect. Who better to let handle my heart than the
one who knew me before the foundation of the world? Who better to give my heart
to than the One who actively pursues it?? No one better than Jesus Christ, God
Himself.
I got something that night that I didn’t think I’d ever get…
understanding. I still hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I still ponder
on the years of my life that now seem wasted and ask Him what is was all for…
was it for nothing, or was it just some big lesson? Will we come together
stronger than before? Is this so broken that we will never even be cordial?
God’s great like that. He lets us hurt, question and even be angry. But when we
humble ourselves and ask, He gives us healing, peace and understanding.
My pastor preached a message a few Sunday mornings ago on
brokenness. With each word (from the Word), he confirmed what the Lord had
already been sowing in my heart. The whole conclusion of his message was a
challenging question: Are you going to allow your brokenness to become a
breakthrough? If you give your brokenness to the Lord, He will make you new.
The Lord really did a number on my heart in
the midst of my despair. It's hard to explain, but although I am still broken, I am happier... isn't that strange to think of? How can someone be broken, but have joy? Jesus Christ. That's how.
I can feel it, and I believe my face and life is
showing it (new joy). But, that doesn’t mean that I’m whole again. I am still mending
wounds every day. Each time a friend brings up his name, or I find remnants of
our life together while unpacking my new apartment, I am forced to confront
that hurt and allow the Lord to heal it. It’s not easy, and it’s not quick, but
I am trying to be willing to allow this hurt to blossom into trust with my
Savior. He’s the only One who can do it, and all I can do is wait.
"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 63:1-3
-Carrie Anna
